Canadian Dystopia: 2010

Reprinted from the Winnipeg Free Press
September 10, 2010
By Kevin Reeves

In sympathetic response to CBC Radio 2’s brave and brazen move to expand their play list back in 2008, the National Gallery of Canada has decided to cancel this summer’s exhibition of Flemish and Belgian landscapes from the Golden Era. Instead, the gallery has commissioned black velvet paintings of renowned stars such as Avril, Shania, Alanis, Joni and Kathleen by artists representing each of the six provinces and two territories.

Meanwhile, Arts correspondent, Napu Havajavabloojeen, recently cornered Heritage and Agricultural Minister Josée Verner at the new Tim Horton/Chippendale’s complex at Lansdowne Park in New Ontario to garner a few inane and inconsequential comments.

“Minister,” asked Havajavabloojeen, “Isn’t this going to create a cleavage in the arts community?” “We hope this will create several cleavages,” giggled Verner. “But it is important to keep abreast of important cultural matters.”

Since Steven Harper had inadvertently created a situation back in 2007 which made Quebec a tad too independent, (causing Ontario to finally separate from the rest of Canada, quickly followed by B.C.and Saskatchewan; Newfoundland separating out of sheer boredom), the Prime Minister thought it prudent to help unify the remnants of the country with a kind of celebrity portrait gallery. Harper thought it especially important to have the exhibition at the new National Gallery (formerly E.B. Eddy) in Gatineau – the Nation’s Capital – since the finals for the National Portrait Gallery is presently at a standoff between Hind Leg, Alberta and Potty’s Mouth, New Brunswick. An unnamed town in the north had been in the running until the incident with the Russian sub accidentally blew up Nunavut.

“Andy Warhol, move over,” gushed National Gallery Curator Jim Flaherty, “this will most likely be our most popular show since the Roy Thomson showing – immediately after he was found dead in Canoe Lake.” Flaherty is expecting 35 million visitors to the PoP DiVa BlAcK VeLvEt exhibition, but Flemish art expert, Pieter van Loonybijn, disagrees: “He’s out of his #%@&# mind…” he sputtered, before jumping through the window and running to the States. “Well begorrah, there’s only so much Goddamned cobblestone and yellow clouds one can take in,” countered Flaherty. “Besides…35 million flies can’t all be wrong!”

However, Elvis Papageno, the President of the National Society of Black Velvet Artists (NSBVA) is ambivalent toward the exhibition. “We usually create these pieces for seedy motels and trashy trailer parks,” said Papageno. “We sell them by the millions as cheap commercial fodder for people with abysmal taste. They are not really meant for national galleries…I’m quite concerned their value is going to rise artificially until people see past the velvet and realize that they’re actually quite worthless.”

Harper, undeterred, has asked Flaherty, aided by Yann Martel, to set up a mobile home convoy with the celebrity portraits duct taped to the vehicles so that citizens of what’s left of Canada can come to the roadsides and witness the cultural passing of their great country.